I paid very great attention to my vanity and face. I always feared that others would have prejudices or critical views against me. And I even more feared that I would be dismissed from my position as a result of others’ critical views of me. Therefore, I racked my brains to learn the skills and ways of speaking. And, whoever I contacted, I behaved very cautiously lest he be offended and have prejudices against me. Unexpectedly…

One day, a church leader suddenly said to me, “You always speak in a stern tone and I feel dominated by you. You also look down upon me. You don’t often go to our church to direct my work and don’t allow for my difficulties.” At her words, my heart almost skipped a beat. I thought: How come you have such a critical view of me? If the leader learns this opinion, what will she think of me? Will she give me a scolding or think badly of me? … I got anxious and afraid. In my flurry, I thought of the so-called “working wisdom and ways of speaking” that I had just learned. Then I put them into practice. When I spoke to that sister, I first had a look at her countenance. If she was happy, I talked more with her in a straight way; if she was unhappy, I talked less and spoke with selected words and in a roundabout way. In order to stop her saying again that I spoke in a stern tone, I forcedly lowered my voice and spoke to her slowly and gently though I usually spoke loudly. I never thought my efforts would receive such a response: “How come you are so long-winded? If you have anything to say, say it straight. You don’t need to beat about the bush! So troublesome!” On hearing these words, I felt more distressed. I complained against her continuously, “Why are you so difficult to deal with? When I speak in a stern tone, you say it’s not good; when I speak in a mild tone and care more about the way of speaking, you say I am too long-winded. What do you want me to do so that you will drop your prejudices against me?” But regardless of anger, in order to eliminate her critical views of me, I became more “careful” with her.

Once, I found she went short of clothes, and I remembered she once said that I didn’t show consideration for her difficulties. So, I lost no time in giving my clothes to her. Although with my lips I said that the clothes were donated by other brothers and sisters, I thought to myself: In the past, you said that I was unconcerned with you. This time, I have solved your actual difficulties; you should drop your prejudices against me. But I didn’t expect that she even didn’t have a look at me; moreover, she said: “I’m grateful to God, but I am not worthy of enjoying these things.” After hearing her words, I felt extremely distressed, and I became worried again, “I have done so much, but why am I still unable to dispel her prejudices against me? O God! What have I done wrong?” Just at that time, I discovered some loopholes in her work: She hadn’t properly implemented the precautions against persecution, and there were many hidden dangers. I deeply knew this was not a trifling matter, for it involved the interests of the church and the work of God’s family. Because of this, I became even more worried: If I don’t speak to her about this, the work will suffer loss and it is not after God’s heart; if I speak to her seriously, I am afraid that I may hurt her, causing her to deepen her prejudices against me; but if I speak mildly, I am afraid she won’t take it seriously. I was in a dilemma and did not know what to do, feeling very oppressed. I had no choice but to come before God and tell him my actual state and difficulties. After praying, under the guidance of God, I opened the book of God’s word, and these words came into view: “If you do not have a normal relationship with God, regardless of how you try to maintain your relationship with people, however hard you try and however much effort you make, you are maintaining it according to man’s philosophy of life. And you are maintaining your position among people according to man’s viewpoint and man’s philosophy so as to win their compliments, but not building a normal relationship with them according to God’s word. If you do not pay attention to your relationship with people but pay attention to maintaining a normal relationship with God, … you will naturally have a normal relationship with all people. …You will have almost no fleshly association with them but have fellowship with them in spirit, love them, comfort them, and supply them, doing all these while trying to satisfy God in your heart. It won’t be maintained by your human philosophy of life but naturally built through your burden for God. You won’t have to exert human effort but just need to practice according to the principles in God’s word. … People can only have a normal relationship with others when they have turned their heart to God. They cannot achieve that by exerting human effort. Without God, people can only have a fleshly relationship with others, which is abnormal and lustful and is hated and loathed by God.” God’s word is the light! It dispelled my perplexity and lighted up my way ahead. I was suddenly enlightened and realized how ridiculously I behaved previously. I actually regarded my philosophy of life “to trim one’s sails to the wind” as working wisdom and “preserving position” as my true burden. I really confused black and white and reversed right and wrong, and I was extremely ignorant and muddled. From God’s words I knew that my relationship with others was not established on the basis of my heart turning to God; instead, I was only establishing a fleshly relationship with others according to my philosophy of life, and I did not have a normal relationship with God at all. I racked my brains to learn the “techniques” just in order to gain appreciation and favorable comments from others. I “stooped to compromise” and talked with others “subserviently” just for maintaining my position, not for God’s sake or for fostering a normal relationship with others. How could such an intent as mine not be hated and loathed by God? I am grateful to God for inspiring me. I will not lose my heart and will not be discouraged, because from these words of God, I have not only gained some knowledge of myself, but even more, I have seen the light and have found the way to practice. No matter what I do, I will do it on the basis of turning my heart to God and no longer do it by human efforts. For I have understood that if there is no God between people, they are all establishing fleshly relationships with each other and are all indulging their flesh and their lusts, which is what God hates as well as what God loathes.

Wang Lijin

Puyang City, Henan Province