I cared much about my vanity and face and I always wanted others to accept everything I said; even if what I said was not right, I did not want others to contradict me in public.

Once at a small-group meeting, when we talked about the gospel work, I asked a sister, “Have you made any progress these days in preaching the gospel to the gospel friend you found?” “No,” she answered. I continued, “Have you done it according to what we have fellowshipped about? Have you found out his weakness and fatal corruption? Have you ever thought how to testify about God’s work to him?” She said impatiently, “Is it time to talk with him about God’s word now? Besides, is he willing to tell us his difficulties and fatal corruption? You do not preach the gospel, so you don’t know how difficult it is….” When I heard these words, my face flushed swiftly and I felt very upset. I thought, “How can you say in this tone? I do not preach the gospel, so I don’t know that? I know everything! I think you’re trying to cross me. I merely asked you some questions but you talked to me in this way. Do you think I like to be a church leader very much? From now on, I simply won’t ask you about the work anymore and you may do whatever you want. No matter what I say, you won’t listen to me and none of you obeys me. I know I’m incapable of doing anything; you may just listen to whoever you think is capable.” As I thought more and more, I wanted to give up my duty. For several days I was in a passive state. I was unable to quiet my heart, I was in no mood to read the word of God, and I had no words to say when praying. I just waited for the leader to come and remove me from the position.

Once, when eating and drinking the word of God, I read these words: “To love God, you have to seek his intention in everything, and whatever matter you encounter, you should go deep into it and sense God’s intention, and find out what his intention in this matter is, what he requires you to meet, and how you should care for his intention. … When you encounter a matter, big or small, you should drop yourself first and treat your flesh as the most debased thing.” Inspired by God’s words, my mind full of resentment was suddenly enlightened and I realized that I had never sought God’s intention in whatever I did, nor had I ever done anything according to God’s intention, to say nothing of caring for God’s intention. I only thought of how to keep myself from losing face and how to make others obey me, always regarding my fleshly vanity as more important than anything else. I had never denied myself, even less regarded my fleshly vanity as a most debased thing. Did I have any love for God? Even such a small blow could cause me to refuse the commission and forsake God; I treasured my worthless face too much! Then I read these words in The Summary of Christ’s Preachings and Conversations: “How should one treat God’s commission? This is really a serious matter! If you cannot complete that which God has committed to you, you don’t deserve to live before God and should receive punishment. It’s only right and proper for man to complete that which God commits to him. This is man’s highest responsibility and is as important as life. If you take God’s commission lightly, then you rebel against God most seriously….” When I read these words, I could not continue anymore. With a remorseful heart, I bowed down before God: “O God, I am really too blind! I did not regard your commission to me as so sacred, and even less did I regard failing to complete your commission and giving it up as so serious; on the contrary, I regarded my vanity and face as more important than anything else. I thought that I was a leader and whatever I fellowshipped about was right, so the brothers and sisters should not refuse me, and even less should they be critical of me. When that sister said some words disagreeable to me in public, I thought she was deliberately embarrassing me, and I flew into anger with shame and even wanted to give up my duty. By behaving this way, I had seriously rebelled against you indeed. It is your uplifting that you have given me such a commission today, but I was so numb and obtuse that I took your commission as a trifling matter. I really deserve to receive your punishment! O God, thank you for your inspiration! It has enabled me to understand that believing in you is not to pursue others’ appreciation or admiration, but to pursue loving you, satisfying you, and fulfilling the duty of a created being. I am also grateful that your words have awakened me, so that I have seen my deficiencies and understood how I as a created being should treat my duty and your commission to me. From now on, I will no longer set my mind on my flesh and no longer live for my face.”

Baige

Pingdingshan City, Henan province