Because of being restrained by money, I, while performing duty outside home, could not keep my mind on it but was always thinking about how to earn money.

In September 2002, someone recommended me for a job. I laid aside the gospel work immediately and went to earn money, figuring in my heart that I could make more than one thousand yuan when the work was finished. Thinking of the money that would soon come to my hands, I was very happy. However, on the way to work the next day, I somehow felt uneasy in my heart. I simply urged myself again and again: Ride slowly. Be careful not to be hit to death by the cars. All the way, I rode the motorcycle almost as slowly as those who rode the bicycles on the roadside. As I was riding forward very carefully, I fixed my eyes on the cars whizzing past me, wondering in my heart if one of them would run to hit me. I couldn’t help breaking out into cold sweat with fear. Anxiety, fear, and dread welled in me all at once, causing me to be almost out of my mind. Finally, I arrived at the building site, and only then did I heave a sigh of relief. But just after I climbed up the working scaffolds, the living examples of people receiving God’s punishment floated before my eyes one scene after another. Thus, I became frightened again and reminded myself again and again: Work slowly! I must be careful not to miss my step. If I drop and become handicapped, I will be finished, and perhaps, my life will be forfeit. The more I thought, the more I did the work slowly. I raised my head to wield the tools in my hand, and then hurried to bow my head to have a look at my feet, looking right and left for fear that a certain part of the scaffolds might had not been fixed firm. The more I thought, the more I felt frightened. I had been doing this kind of work for seven to eight years and had never been so “careful,” but now I even could not set my heart at rest about the scaffolds I myself had put up. Over thirty years, that was the first time that I had a feeling of being so panicky. On the third day, once again, I came to the building site in fear as if carrying with me a bomb that might explode at any moment. I dragged my tired legs up the scaffolds that were like a “gallows,” with my heart thumping. Only then did I realize that it was actually so painful to be apart from God. But, in order that I could earn money, I gave way to living in the midst of such painful torment.

Just when I was empty in my spirit and was near the point of breakdown, these words of God came to my mind: “… Whoever wants to run away may run away right now. No one will stop you! You may have a try and see if you can run away. Even if you run away, you will have to turn back. God controls you by his word. You cannot live if you leave the church and God’s word. If you do not believe this, you may experience it. Do you think you can leave as you like? God’s Spirit controls you, and you cannot leave. This is God’s administration! Some people want to have a try. Go ahead! … Maybe you will not die physically and still can eat and dress yourself, but you will feel miserable in your heart, being suppressed and suffering mentally. That will be a greatest suffering. If a person is tortured and wrecked mentally, he cannot bear it. If you suffer physically, maybe you can endure it. But if you are suppressed and tortured for a long time mentally, you simply cannot bear it.” Under the enlightenment of the words of God, I thought about my disobedience in this period of time and really felt ashamed of myself. In order to make a little more money and to win my wife’s greeting with a smile, I allowed the forces of darkness to rule inside me and would rather bear the painful torment than suffer a little for the truth, just as God’s words expose: “…you do not even have the will to repent and turn back.” In the past, I didn’t believe these words of God. Today, through the experience, I have made certain that every word God has spoken is the truth and seen the authority and power of the word of God. God uses his word to control everything; no one can escape the manipulation of the word of God. One really cannot live if he leaves the word of God. From this, I have also seen God’s salvation for me. At this very moment, I would like to choose once again: not to drift about and roam in the world but to return to the embrace of the love of God and fulfill my duty to repay God’s love.

Wang Xiaoxiao

Xi’an City