One day at the end of March, 2003, at a meeting the leader said, “You may dissect a matter and see what kind of innate nature caused it. There is such a leader. A host family bought him a cellphone. It looked very cute, so he kept it for himself…. What is substance of such a behavior?” After she spoke, everybody began to dissect the matter. “He is essentially greedily enjoying position…. He took advantage of his position to satisfy his own desires….” “This also shows that he is a very superficial person; he may think he looks more exalted and like an officer with a small cellphone rather than a big one....” At the moment, I felt my face burning. I sat blankly there, staring straight at the ground with my eyes wide. Every word they said was pricking my heart like a needle. Am I not the one they are talking about? Just when I was at a loss what to do, the leader continued, “He even doesn’t know how he fell. He didn’t hand in the consecrated cellphone, but kept it for himself without permission.” I was astounded at this word, with my eyes even wider. I almost cried out: “No! This isn’t the actual situation! No! This isn’t the truth at all!” I protested in my heart time and time again…. Then my mind came back to the scene of my conversing with the leader at that time: Sitting on the bed, I said with a smile, “I expressed corruption again.” The leader asked, “How?” I said, “A brother donated a new mobile phone, and I like it very much, but I dare not keep it for myself without permission for fear of offending God. Besides, according to the principle I should hand it in.” The leader said, “Well, you may just keep it for use.” So, I became the “owner” of the cellphone. It was obviously that I wanted to hand it in but she didn’t take it…. Even though I said I was unwilling to hand it in, I did say I would hand it in! But today, how come you say such a thing about me? I really can’t accept it. Outwardly I still sat there calm, but my mind was already seething with turbulent thoughts…. I felt wronged, I wanted to vindicate myself, and I even hated the leader: You already agreed to my keeping the phone, but today, you dissect me all of a sudden! It was you who made all this. Why don’t you tell the truth? Why are your words so untruthful? You are very kind in appearance, but you actually make things warm for me behind my back. You said such a word very easily, but it has made me infamous in the whole Heilongjiang Province. You are really cruel! I kept complaining, hating…. I simply paid no attention to what they were later talking about. I was only thinking how to treat her when she went to my place the next time.

Just when I was inextricably bogged down in the mire of right and wrong, God’s words inspired me. God says: “Man knows himself not from the root or from the substance. Rather, he pays attention to or puts effort into the practices or the superficial expressions. Even though some people can occasionally say some words of knowing themselves, the words are not very profound. And no one has ever thought that since he could have done this kind of thing or expressed corruptions in certain aspect, then he is this kind of person and is of this kind of innate nature. What God exposes is man’s innate nature and man’s substance, while man knows only the mistakes or shortcomings in his practices or statements. Therefore, man finds it rather difficult to practice the truth.” These words of God caused me to wake up: What God exposes is man’s substance, not man’s outward practices or statements being right or wrong. At the moment, I felt much enlightened. Quieting my heart, I began to examine my behavior to see whether I was greedily enjoying my position. Under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I clearly saw my situation in that period of time: Outwardly I was performing my duty, but actually I was running around aimlessly. When reading the word of God, I could not receive much inspiration. When doing the work, I did it perfunctorily and could not discover the problems existing in the church. All day long I held the mobile phone in my hand appreciating it. My heart was completely occupied by it. Thus I held up the work of God’s family and caused it to suffer loss. The more I thought, the more clearly I saw my condition; the more I pondered, the more clearly I realized that I was indeed enjoying my position, because I occupied the position of a leader but didn’t do the work of a leader. No one had wronged me. Facing the fact, I bowed my head. “O God! Today, you have become flesh and come to earth in order to save us who are living in darkness. You have been working hard day and night, rushing about and suffering hardships, and yet, you haven’t enjoyed anything. I am nothing but a tiny creature and it is your uplifting of me that I have the opportunity to perform my duty and to be saved. You are to let me perform a duty rather than to give me a position. However, I shamelessly seated myself on the position and had been enjoying it. I was essentially disgusting and nauseating to you.” After the prayer, I saw the light once again and suddenly understood why the leader dissected me in that way: The Spirit of God searches everything and knows that I am in a dangerous state now. It is in order to pull me back from the verge of death that God has carefully arranged today’s occasion—let the leader seize this state of mine and promptly dissect it with a clear aim, so that I can examine myself in such dealing and pruning and know that I am walking the path to be eliminated. God wishes that I, a prodigal son, could soon wake up from my error and turn back; otherwise, the consequences would be disastrous. What happened to me today is not out of the leader but is completely the wonderful arrangement God made.

Mingxin

Suihua City, Heilongjiang Province