On August 19, 2003, I was on the train from Sichuan to Anhui, in a very cheerful mood. One year ago, the fellowship from above said that the gospel was to be spread to other provinces, so I left for Sichuan to preach the gospel to my relatives there. Now, the gospel work there was basically finished, so God’s family transferred me back. “After I’m back this time, the brothers and sisters will surely regard me highly, and God’s family should assign me to perform an easy duty; maybe I will be greatly used by God’s family….” The more I thought, the more I was delighted. I was overjoyed.

At the station, the brother who came to meet me talked with me for a while, and then he said: “You needn’t go home. You just stay here and continue preaching the gospel.” “Ah? I’m still assigned to preach the gospel!” I was dumbfounded, and my heart sank all at once. A strong sense of loss overwhelmed me: I thought that I had suffered a lot and brought many people to God in that place, so I could be assigned to an easy duty after coming back. I never expected… I was very disappointed and really wanted to refuse the duty and go home. But I was afraid of God’s hand of punishing man, so I had to force myself to stay. From then on, I was in deep depression and had no enthusiasm to perform my duty, suffering torments in darkness.

One day, I read these words in The Summary of Christ’s Preachings and Conversations: “Man is so poor in sense. He makes too many and too extravagant demands of God. He is without the slightest sense. Man always asks God to do things in this way or that way. Man cannot obey God completely or worship God, but on the contrary makes some unreasonable demands according to his own preferences…. Everyone demands that God should love him in such-and-such a way, tolerate him in such-and-such a way, care for and keep him in such-and-such a way, or show solicitude for and take care of him in such-and-such a way, but no one makes demands of himself about how to love God, how to think of God, how to care for God and satisfy God, how to have a place for God in his heart, and how he should worship God. Does man have these things in his heart? All these are what man should achieve. Why does man not set his mind on them? Some people can be zealous temporarily, but not for long; the encountering of a small setback can cause them to be discouraged, be disappointed, and utter complaints. People have so many difficulties. There are so few people who pursue the truth and who pursue to love God and satisfy God. Man has no sense and stands in a wrong position; besides, he regards himself as being especially valuable.” God’s words lighted up me who was in darkness. I realized that I became passive and weak because my extravagant desires had not been satisfied. I believed in God not really in order to fulfill my duty to satisfy God. Rather, I believed in God with my extravagant demands and intents and expectations. When I had performed a small duty, I wanted to be rewarded; when I had undergone a few sufferings, I wanted enjoyment. I thought that I had undergone some sufferings and brought some people to God by preaching the gospel in another province, so I was “one who has rendered great service” in God’s family and was entitled to special treatment or to perform a light duty or to be greatly used by God’s family. When the arrangement of God’s family went against my wish, I became discouraged and disappointed, and even wanted to give up my duty and go home. This is enough to show that I am too poor in sense and that I make too many demands of God. As a created being, I am duty-bound to preach the gospel. However, I took my labor as the qualification to make demands of God. I have exactly imitated Paul, who took his sufferings and work as the qualification to demand a crown and rewards. I am really irrational and contemptible! At that moment, I wished to find a place to hide myself for shame. O Almighty God! I really have no knowledge of myself. I believed in you but did not worship you and obey you on the position of a created being. Moreover, I regarded myself as very valuable, made so many unreasonable demands of you, and disobeyed the arrangement of your family. I do not have the likeness of a created being at all. If you had not exposed me, I would still be unable to see my vileness and lowliness. From now on, I will try to know myself more deeply and pursue the transformation of my nature through your exposure of me, so as to become one who has sense and who is obedient before you.

Zhang Jian

Bengbu City, Anhui Province