In 1998, I accepted God’s end-time work. God’s family soon assigned me to be a small-group leader, then a life deacon, and then a church leader. Later, I was assigned to a second-line team to care for the new believers, and then I was appointed as a second-line director. Although God’s family had been training me all along and expended incalculable painstaking effort on me, yet I was so disobedient that I never intended to repay God’s love with my heart but still sought after my marriage and clung to the evil desire for it. In 2000, I almost left God for the sake of marriage, but persuaded by the brothers and sisters, I reluctantly remained in God’s family. Afterward, I took an oath before God, “I am willing to offer my whole life to you. If I keep on planning for my marriage in future, may you bring on me such disasters as have seldom been seen for six thousand years.” However, I regretted right after I took the oath. My heart was still concerned about my marriage. Just this year, I thought, “Even if the work of God will absolutely come to the end of a stage, I will still leave myself a way of escape. If the gospel work does not end at the end of this year, then I will get married next year.” And I began to secretly look for the appropriate person for my marriage. Because of this, I was always absent-minded when performing my duty. I did my duty perfunctorily if possible, and reluctantly exerted a bit of strength if I really had to. I had never told anybody this mean idea in my mind, but God, who searches hearts and minds, did not allow me to breach my oath at will since I had made it. Finally, God’s discipline came upon me.

Once when I was cooperating with a work, persecution arose. I was arrested and brought into the local police station. There I was beaten up for nearly four hours. Later, I escaped while nobody took notice of me. However, I fell into a ditch before I had run far, for it was then already dark. I could see nothing and only felt an unbearable pain in my belly. At that time, unable to bear the pain I prayed three times to curse myself and asked God to take my life away. But God’s words guided me in my heart: “Only when the living ones testify about God can it shame satan. …” “… As long as you have one breath left, God will not let you die.” Relying on the guidance of God, I ran to the host home with great difficulty. Later on, I was sent to the hospital for an operation. However, the ultrasonic scanning failed to show what the problem was, and the doctor blindly performed an operation on me. The problem turned out to be that my bladder ruptured, but a long cut had already been made in my abdomen. The seven days in the hospital were even more painful and unbearable. I lay on the sickbed but could not move a little. I once again tasted a narrow escape from death. I complained constantly in my heart, “Why am I so unlucky that all kinds of misfortunes came to me? What have I done wrong that I have to suffer so much? …” However, God hid his face from my disobedience and inspired me with his words: “Since you have made a resolution to serve me, I won’t let you go. I am a jealous God, and I am a God jealous of man. Since you have placed your words before my altar, I won’t allow you to run away from my eyes, and I won’t allow you to serve two masters. Do you think you can love someone else after you place your words upon my altar and before my eyes? How can I allow you to fool me like this? Do you think your tongue can vow and swear to me casually? How can you swear by the throne of me the Most High? Do you think your oaths have all passed away? I tell you, even if your flesh passes away, your oaths will not be nullified. At the end, I will condemn you according to your oaths. However, you think that you can deal with me simply by placing your words before me while your heart can serve the unclean spirit and the evil spirit. How can my fury tolerate the deceit of these swine and dogs? I will exercise my administration and seize all those conventional ‘devout’ believers in me from the hand of the unclean spirit to ‘serve’ me honestly and properly and to be my oxen and horses for me to slaughter as I wish. I will make you pick up all your previous resolutions and serve me again. I won’t allow any created being to deceive me. Do you think you can make demands of me as you wish and tell lies to me at will? Do you think I have never heard or seen your words and deeds? How can your words and deeds not be seen by my eyes? How can I allow you to deceive me like this?” I woke up all at once: Actually, what befell me is the retribution I deserve. It is that God’s righteous nature has come upon me. In retrospect, what I did has deeply grieved God’s heart! Outwardly I bustled about all day and seemed to be performing my duty in God’s family, but inwardly I was always planning for my flesh and was in no mood to do the work. Outwardly I was in the presence of God, yet my heart was always thinking how I could find a pleasant partner to company me this life. Every day I believed in God and labored for God while counting the time for God’s day to come. I even pried into God’s footsteps by taking a wait-and-see attitude toward God’s work. I do not revere or fear God at all. When have I treated God as God is? Do I have the slightest belief in God in my heart? Being like this, am I not seriously deceiving God and testing God’s nature? Since I have taken an oath before God, how can God allow me to love someone else? God is so holy and so lovely! According to my oath, I should have early been destroyed. However, God did not put me to death but save me again and again. I have understood that only if I live under God’s care and keeping and satisfy him will I have true happiness; otherwise, everything I do will be in vain and I will be bound to death. It is really good to be smitten and disciplined by God! It is also good that this long scar is left in my abdomen. I will take it as a bitter lesson and an eternal warning to me, a son of disobedience. I will engrave it in my heart forever. I will offer up my genuine heart to God and no longer make any plan for myself.

Having been disciplined this time, I developed a trace of reverence and fear toward God. At the same time, I saw that God’s nature is love for me no matter how it is expressed. Although my flesh underwent extreme sufferings, I gained a great deal: I tasted God’s righteousness and majesty and was certain that God indeed searches hearts and minds. Even more, I deeply understood the meaning of God’s words: “…even if your flesh passes away, your oaths will not be nullified.” Through the discipline, I also had understood this: If man wrestles with God, man will forever be the failure. It would be wise to drop everything and allow God to control him as God wishes.

Lijie

Ruzhou City, Henan Province