In 1998, because of violating the administrative decrees, I was expelled from God’s family, and the books for me to read were taken away. At that time, I felt extremely distressed and was often so remorseful as to have a tearful face. In the torment, several times I even wanted to return to the dazzling world, but I was afraid that severer punishment of God would come upon me. Therefore, every now and then I beseeched God to give me a chance to make a fresh start. So, I was expecting, waiting…. However, many days had passed and no chance came. Then I thought I would definitely be punished by God. Right at the time I felt hopeless, God’s family gave me a chance—to preach the gospel to prepare good deeds. At that moment, I was greatly excited and made a resolution at once: I will make an all-out effort to preach the gospel so as to make amends for my transgression. From then on, I started to preach the gospel again. Over half a year passed in a flash. Although I was preaching the gospel, I could not set my heart at ease all along: Am I counted as a member of God’s family or not? Does God still remember my transgression or not? These questions always lingered in my mind and I could not be set free. In the church, I always felt inferior to other brothers and sisters. And when I learned that the brothers and sisters who once worked together with me had all been promoted, I was even more distressed, as if I was a reprieved criminal sentenced to death. I was doubly tormented especially when I read these words of God: “…I do not like anyone who has ever rebelled against me, much less like to have association with anyone who betrays the interests of his friends. This is my nature, no matter who he is. I want to tell you: Anyone who has broken my heart will not possibly be forgiven by me the second time, and anyone who is faithful to me will remain in my heart forever.” I always felt that it was hardly possible for me to be forgiven by God. “Although God uses me to preach the gospel today, I don’t know how God’s family will treat me some day…” Just like this, I had been performing my duty with a heavy heart.

I did not feel relieved until later I read some words in The Summary of Christ’s Preachings and Conversations. God says, “In the past, some people did some evil things and were thus expelled, and the church also rejected them. After wandering for several years, they came back. It is a good thing that they have not run away forever. Since they have not run away forever, they have the chance and the hope to be saved. … No matter how God works people and no matter how God treats people, hates people, and loathes people, if people can repent at a certain time, I will feel very much consoled. It shows that there is still that little bit of place for God in their hearts and that they have not completely lost their sense…. If one of a hundred sheep was lost, he would leave the ninety-nine behind and go to look for the lost one. This word is not a kind of mechanical practice or a kind of regulation. Rather, it shows God’s intention for mankind, God’s eager intention to save mankind, and how deeply God loves mankind. It is not a kind of practice but a kind of his nature and a kind of his mind. So, after some people have been away for a year or half a year or have had many weaknesses and had many misunderstandings, if they wake up, gain some knowledge and turn around, and realize their errors and mend their ways, I will feel very consoled and have a little taste of enjoyment.” Every word of God warmed my heart. I doubly felt the kindness and loveliness of God and the misunderstanding I had had for two years quickly vanished. At that moment, I burst into tears, as if a prodigal son had returned to the arms of his mother after wandering in the world for many years and suffering enough from being bullied and oppressed. I deeply felt that God is so kindhearted, so beautiful, and so great. And even more I felt repentant that I did not try to understand God’s intention but had misunderstood God for such a long time, which had badly broken God’s heart. At the same time, I also gained this understanding: Although God has majesty and wrath, he is not a God who strikes man down casually; his intention is to save man to the utmost.

Through the painful refining this time, God’s righteousness and majesty as well as God’s beauty and kindness have been deeply engraved in my heart. From this, I have realized that whether to expel or purge people, to promote or replace people, God’s work is an expression of his beauty and kindness, is for people to know his righteousness, and is salvation and love for people.

Xia Bing

Bengbu City, Anhui Province