Your kind attention   and your last admonition   awake me from my deep sleep for years

My unatonable transgressions   are a painful memory for me   striking my conscience

Being at a loss   I pray to you with trembling   searching my heart with bitter repentance

…

Whenever I hear the hymn “A Repentance,” tears gush out from my eyes. My feelings of pain, remorse, and self-reproach are beyond expression. I hate myself for being so blind and foolish that I didn’t know God’s work and therefore became a ferocious wolf which hindered the lambs from entering into the kingdom and an arch-criminal who resisted Almighty God’s work. I hate myself for being so numb and obtuse that I didn’t examine myself even after having been disciplined by God many times but instead stepped up efforts to resist Almighty God. If it had not been for Almighty God’s extremely great mercy and salvation, I would have long since died an unnatural death. Here, I can only expose my transgressions and my evil deeds to the brothers and sisters so that you can take warning from them and therefore break free from being bound by the rumors and come before Almighty God as soon as possible. I can only do this to make up for the pain and grief I have brought to God and for my indebtedness to God.

I was formerly one of the most eminent co-workers of the Pentecostal Church and was in charge of many churches, such as the church of No.3 Factory, the church of No.7 Factory, and so on in Daqing area. In early 1999, the leader above gathered us several eminent co-workers together and said, “Search in the Bible immediately and write out the material refuting ‘Eastern Lightning,’ the more serious and the more frightening the better. As long as it can stop people from believing in Almighty God, it’s acceptable, however you fabricate it. No matter what, we should stop people from joining ‘Eastern Lightning,’ because it has departed from the Bible and is a heresy, a cult. Our doing so is to protect the flock faithfully for the Lord. We will compile and print out the material resisting ‘Eastern Lightning’ and then distribute it to the churches.”

To prevent the brothers and sisters from being taken captive by the “heresy,” I searched in the Bible zealously day and night with several other co-workers and began to compile the material sentence by sentence and item by item. After seven days and nights of painstaking fabrication, a “collection of lies” entitled On Eastern Lightning—a Cult finally came out. In obedience to our leader’s words, we added a large number of alarmist words to the material, such as, “Those people of ‘Eastern Lightning’ are extremely powerful. They are specially trained”; “They are of an underworld organization and have knives and guns. Once you join them, you can’t withdraw. If you try, they will make your eyes blind, cut off your ears, break your legs, or hack off your arms”; and so on. Those bloodcurdling rumors and fallacies quickly spread among the brothers and sisters, and they all believed them to be true and therefore no longer dared to get in touch with the people of “Eastern Lightning.” Our adverse publicity achieved the expected “result” very soon, and I felt elated as if having won a great honor. Although I had spent over one thousand yuan of my savings printing those materials (including traveling expenses and telephone charges), I considered that the money was worth spending and the Lord would surely remember my “contribution.” From then on, I began to busy myself tirelessly with resisting Almighty God.

One day, I heard that two believers in Almighty God came to one of the meeting places nearby, so I immediately picked up the booklets we had compiled, got on my bike, and went to stop them. When I was crossing a street, without knowing why, my bike suddenly leaned to one side and lost its balance. I fell all at once and the bike fell on me. Immediately, my arm was bruised and a piece of skin on my right calf was scraped off by the pedal, and blood oozed out. “O Lord, I’m doing the work for you. It’s because I worry that the lambs will be taken captive by ‘Eastern Lightning’ that I go there in a hurry. How come you let me fall? Oh, it must be satan’s disturbance. The Lord will definitely not treat me in this way.” As I thought about it, I stood up. Because the bicycle chain was broken, I had to push the bike and hobble there. The moment I entered the room, I saw one of the sisters preaching. Extremely angry, I roared, “Who told you to come? How shameless! You even dare to steal the sheep openly. How dare you! I’ve got to teach you a lesson today!” As I said that, I grabbed the jacket of the sister who preached and slapped her on the left cheek. Seeing me striking that sister, the other sister immediately came up and shielded her. Having lost my senses already, I punched her on the chest. The punch sent her reeling against the door and she almost fell down. Before she had regained her footing, I pushed and shoved them out of the door. But even so, I still didn’t work off my anger. I shouted at them, “If you dare come again next time, I’ll break your legs!” Seeing that they left sadly in tears, I didn’t have the slightest compassion for them, nor did I feel that I had gone too far. On the contrary, I rejoiced in my heart: I had finally kept the Lord’s sheep.

Several days later, I carried the booklets and went to the church of No.7 Factory to preach. While I was walking along the roadside, a Xiali car suddenly rushed toward me. Scared and at a loss, I suddenly slipped and fell into a hollow by the roadside, lying flat on my back. That car brushed past the hollow, crashed into a tree at the roadside, and stopped. Although I didn’t get hurt, I had been scared out of my wits, and a branch scratched my new down-jacket and left a long cut. Distressed and angry as I was, I didn’t regret at all what I had done. Instead, I thought, “It’s all the fault of this gang of people of ‘Eastern Lightning.’ They almost made me lose my life. I’ll give them a good beating wherever I see them. I must have my revenge!” Failing to go to No.7 Factory, I could only go home. When I got home, I was so depressed and still didn’t recover from the fright. I threw myself headfirst onto the bed and burst into tears. I cried out in my heart, “O Lord, it’s for your sake that I go to guard the flock, but how come there are always accidents happening to me and I’m haunted with fear every day? O Lord, could it be that I don’t have enough faith? O Lord, you know I’m faithful to you. Please keep me and give me strength.”

One Sunday afternoon, I heard that over twenty people in the church of No.3 Factory had been “taken captive” by the people of “Eastern Lightning,” so I immediately carried the booklets and went to the church of No.3 Factory in a hurry. After my painstaking educating, threatening, and coercing, I finally dragged those over twenty people back. At that time, I felt extremely happy, thinking that the Lord must have heard my prayer and helped me. So, I hummed a hymn and took a Gangtian three-wheeler to go home. “I have finished the race; I have fought the good fight. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness….” Just when I was singing happily, a big truck suddenly dashed like crazy toward the three-wheeler I was riding. Then, with a crash, the three-wheeler was hit seven or eight meters away, and I was thrown out of it with a buzz in my head. When the passersby helped me up, I was completely unaware of whether I was dead or alive but stood there dumbly like a wooden chicken. “Fortunately, she’s not hurt.” “She narrowly escaped death.” “Heaven has eyes!” The passersby discussed. Then, I regained my senses gradually and staggered home. Without the Lord’s care and keeping, I felt so empty in my heart. I collapsed before the Lord and cried out tearfully, “O Lord, where are you? Why have you left me? O Lord, please tell me why accidents always come upon me. What should I do?” After that accident, I felt very confused and lost, not knowing what I had offended the Lord, and became less active in resisting Almighty God than before. I fell into a very weak state, earnestly expecting the Lord to give me clear guidance.