For years, life has been continuing in this world generation after generation. Everyone is acting his role in his respective position, either flat or rough, either poor or rich. No matter how they live, very few have found the real life. I have also been leading such a mediocre life.

On a very common day, God chose me from the vast sea of people. Only then did I come to know the origin of all things, know the source of man’s life, know that for man there are two different destinations, heaven and hell, and know that God, because of mankind’s sin, was incarnated personally and laid down his life for them through his crucifixion, bringing them grace, peace, and joy. This was the first turning point in my life. Since then, things like preaching the gospel, building up the church, studying the Bible, healing the sick and driving out demons in the Lord’s name had almost become my entire life. And I no longer led an empty life. Thanks to God’s favor, the church gradually revived. The brothers and sisters loved one another and there was no separation between you and me. When one had difficulties, all gave help. As the number in the church increased, the church selected co-workers at all levels, and I became the biggest leader. Everything in the church had to get my approval, and the brothers and sisters also had implicit faith in me. Later, in the church, many things that I could not explain happened: The sick could not be healed, and the demon-possessed could not be released. The brothers and sisters asked me what the reason was. I said, “It is because you lack faith when praying. You should fast when necessary.” Actually, I myself did not know what it was all about either. Later, such things happened more often. And I felt the most obvious thing was that I had nothing to say when preaching. My sermon was always dry as dust, and after saying one word, I did not know next. The co-workers in the church also often asked me, “What should we preach in the meetings?” I answered, “I don’t know either. Just read the Bible if there is really nothing to preach.” But this was only an ineffective remedy. Because there was no watering of the living water, the number in the church, which could be maintained in the beginning, began to drop later. Seeing these situations, I burned with anxiety but did not know why. I could do nothing but pray to God, “O Lord, you know best what is happening in our church. In the past, whatever we asked in your name, you granted it to us, and the signs and wonders accompanied us all the time. Now, we call on your name, read the Bible, and pray to you in the same way, but why does it not work today? We pray but receive no moving; we preach the gospel but gain no fruit; the number of the believers is decreasing; and some co-workers even want to return to the world to find another way out. O Lord! Why so? Please help us!” Later, having no other way to go, I decided to practice a 24-hour prayer vigil, with fasting on 21st every month, to help the brothers and sisters regain their love. I wanted to revive the church by doing so, but I didn’t expect that after practicing for some time, brothers and sisters all said, “When it’s not the time to fast, we don’t have the desire to eat. The closer it is to the fasting day, the more we feel hungry. We find it hard to persist.” Having no choice, I came before the Lord again: “O Lord! Please help us! If it goes on like this, we will all be finished! I really don’t know what to do….” This condition of the church continued.

At the end of 1997, a leader from Henan Province said at a meeting, “I tell you one thing: Now ‘Eastern Lightning’ preaches that the Lord has already come, and that he is in China, and is a female. They are very aggressive. They preach especially among the churches that believe in Jesus. They are coming to deceive people. You must be wary….” Since then, we had never had our meetings without discussing how to resist “Eastern Lightning.” And we often heard that people from such and such a church had joined “Eastern Lightning.” We also heard that many key co-workers who had believed in the Lord for many years and who pursued hard had joined it too. Just by these few words, I began to close the church to outsiders without investigation: “You must not receive strangers, much less receive them if they say they are believers in Jesus. Even your relatives cannot be brought to the church without my permission. Everyone, whoever he is, must comply. Anyone who disobeys will be expelled!” At the same time, I told the brothers and sisters, “This is all for your good, because your spiritual life is immature and you don’t know how to discern. This is to keep you from being deceived.” Then, I also fabricated many rumors to frighten them by saying: “Those who preach ‘Eastern Lightning’ are merciless. If you do not accept what they preach, they will break your limbs or ruin your family. So, stay away from them if you want to keep your family safe and sound.” In fact, when I said these words, I did not know at all what “Eastern Lightning” actually talked about, nor had I ever seen anyone from “Eastern Lightning.” However, in order to prevent these “sheep” from falling into others’ hands and preserve my position, I fabricated groundless rumors and let people resist “Eastern Lightning.” My actions and deeds were just as Matthew 23:13 says: “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.”

In 1998, the condition of the church got worse and worse. The co-workers not only had nothing to preach, but they also began to have conflicts among themselves. And they judged one another and tried to elbow one another out. At that time, what worried me most was that I did not know what to preach when holding the Bible in my hands. Without the supply of the living water, the brothers and sisters had no enjoyment at the meetings, and the whole church came to a dead end. At that time, my only hope was that Jesus would come to receive us soon, yet I had no time to think whether God would want a person like me or not. I only wanted to extricate myself from these difficulties as soon as possible.

No sooner did we get out of one trouble than down came another. The condition of the church had not got better, and my body began to swell. When it got serious, I could not even stand up after squatting down. The brothers and sisters fasted and prayed for me, but I did not get any better. In the end, I went to the hospital for an examination, and the doctor told me that there was a tumor about the size of an egg in my womb. Hearing that, I was greatly surprised. I swallowed my tears and left the hospital. On the way home, I thought back to the things that had happened in our church: “The gospel cannot be spread out; the church members are getting fewer and fewer; the brothers and sisters have no love toward one another, and they are passive and indifferent; the co-workers are in envy and strife, and some of them even want to return to the world; the flock are faced with the miserable situation of having no grass to eat and no living water to drink. I have nothing to say when preaching, unable to supply the brothers and sisters, and now, I am seriously ill and become extremely weak both physically and spiritually.” Facing the situation that both the church and I had no way to go, I felt very distressed. So I cried out to God, “O Lord! Only you know my difficulties best, and only you are my helper. But today I don’t know where you are. O Lord, where are you? Have you really left me? How can I meet you again? I’m almost dying in spirit now. Please appear to me. Please save me! …” That day, I prayed and wept bitter tears before God, having no idea how long I continued.